Inertia

Inertia.  Being stuck.   It’s everywhere.   It’s everyone.   I hate it.  I’m feeling mired these days and it’s not just me.   People often ask me how it is that I get so much done, have such a long list of accomplishment and talents, fit so much into a day.   They ask me what it was that made me wake up and make such dramatic changes to my life.   I think the answer is that I have been able to shake off inertia all these years and that I possess a “just do it” attitude.    That’s why clients hire me – I execute.   I tell my employees they have to get from point A to B with no excuses -  negotiate around the obstacles, jump them, blast them, seduce them – whatever it takes to get the job done, short of doing something illegal.   Companies hire me because they want results…period…no excuses allowed.

So how can it be that these days I’m mired, flailing around, waking each day with a head of steam but going to bed like a pricked, deflated popover?    What changed and how can I un-change it?  This is SOOO not me.

I think it’s a perfect storm of paralysis.   First the loss of my main consulting gig with US Cellular – work I really enjoyed and for which I was handsomely paid.   Then Kaveh’s final move to Louisville and no face-to-face contact with him…a loss.  Madeleine moving back from Rockford added a deep layer of worry – I watch her flailing around trying to negotiate the rapids of adulthood – I feel helpless.   Elizabeth, being dependent and needing my continued financial support for at least two more years of college (I’ve already paid for four) – exhausting and I’m so eager to have my kids on their own without sucking at my breasts.   Steve refusing to move on with his life, expecting to be on my dole for the rest of his years.   Finding and losing love in the blink of an eye and the instability that has caused.   Taking over the finances only to learn what a disaster they are.   Having one thing after another break at home – the joys of home ownership.   Having friends who are painfully stuck too.   Losing a three year friendship with a man who has been very special to me.   Feeling the final loss of my mother as she moves back to the East Coast to live with my sister – having her tell me she feels “burned” by our relationship.   And more, more more.

Have you ever felt this paralyzed, turning this way and that – not seeing your way out of the box?    Even this blogging has become an escape.   I am in such pain that I am grasping at anything that can make me feel better.   Writing is Novocain.   Vodka is an escape.  Good books soothe me.  Sleeping releases me from worry.   Sitting with coffee when I should be working seduces me .   Talking to friends when I should be working distracts me.  

This is NOT rocket science.   To be paralyzed is to be fearful, self-indulgent and lazy.   There is really no excuse for it.   None of the things on the big list are really all that hard – it’s just that there are SOOOO many things on the list – it’s overwhelming to think of doing them all.  But really, it’s all about doing just one thing and crossing it out and then moving on to Item #2, and so forth.

It’s also the emotional strain of having people cling and grasp to you, like you’re a life preserver.  They are confused.   You’ve always taken care of them and they don’t believe you when you say, “no more”.   You have to mean “no more”.  They have to live with the consequences. 

So, it’s time for Sarah to project manage her own life like she would manage a project for a valued client.   These are the steps to which I will apply discipline (no excuses):

• Up at 5AM – walking at the beach or exercise from 6AM-7AM.
• At the office by 8:30AM
• Work, no play until noon and then an hour for fooling around (blogging, corresponding with friends)
• Morning spent on finances/administration/training Madeleine – giving her marching orders.  Afternoon spent on business development/client support.
• Workweek evenings spent in creative pursuits. 
• Friday/Saturday socializing
• Sunday – cleaning and organization

Inertia sucks.   I feel like I’m in that episode of Star Trek where the salt sucking monster has her tentacles on me and is sucking my precious nutrients.   I need a simpler life with fewer responsibilities.    I need to make that happen – NOW.

Soon I won’t write this blog anymore.   I’m thinking one more week is all I need.   It’s done the trick – given me a focus, helped me from dwelling solely in my head, given me something to think about other than Patrick.   But it’s also cheating.   I know he reads this and much of the time I write for him.    It’s also mean, in a way, not to fully release him.   He either needs to come back to me or move on.    And it’s also not fair to me that he has a conduit to me while I have no idea what is going on with him.   I feel the miss….I’m not sure he does as much, when he can read about me every day.    He should feel the miss to appreciate how much he has lost, what he’s walking away from.

And me……damn it – I have always prevailed.   I am a tank when I put my mind to it, bull-dozing over any obstacle.   Being in love has made me soft.   Having people cling to me in desperation has weighted me down.   Having SO much happen all at once has put me in the glare of the headlights.   I need to shake myself awake, test my legs, get my engines revved and then just GO!   Watch me.