Internet Dating

I have a date tonight.   He is a trial attorney…he sounds nice.   And I like that the last good book he read is A Team of Rivals by Doris Kearnes Goodwin.   I’ve appointed Lincoln as my spiritual father – when the going gets tough and I need to draw on elder wisdom, I always ask myself what Lincoln would tell me to do….seriously.   In the absence of a good father, he is my "go-to" role model.  I am inspired when I think of his bravery....he always strove to do the right thing, more often than not against public opinion and advice.   During the war, each night, when he was presented the battlefield report, he would suffer over his decision to send more young men to their deaths, really suffer, and yet each day, he gave orders that would result in more deaths, knowing the nation was at stake.   I suspect his death was in some ways a blessing .....the toll he suffered for his leadership was too high.   Between the death of his children and the deaths of so many young men, his sorrow had to be more than one person could bear.    So, this attorney.  Promising, yes?  He is a fan of Lincoln.   We will have something to talk about.   And he has a summer home on 200 acres in Wisconsin where he entertains every weekend.  That sounds like fun.

I have a profile on an Internet dating site.  I never surrendered my membership even when Patrick and I were dating – I just never bothered to check it.  And surprisingly I don’t get that many matches sent to me.   I can’t figure it out.   I don’t think I’m that picky.   Here are my requirements as written on my profile.  Let me know if you think I need to make any changes. (Leave me a comment!)

Looking for a man who is tall and handsome. He should be no shorter than 6’1” and weigh no less than 260 lbs.   I prefer gray or white hair and my match should have a beard and moustache.   I expect my match to be well educated with advanced degrees, really nothing less than a PhD, and he should draw a six figure income.   He should be physically brave and have served his country – either a Marine or a Navy Seal.  He should be strong with huge, well developed muscles.   I expect my match to have exceptional intelligence with an IQ of at least 135.   He should be well read and literary – an English undergraduate degree would be a plus so we can discuss great literature and plays.   A calm and gentle disposition is a requirement, slow to anger, quick to praise.   A great laugh and a quick wit is also something I must have - and also great social skills.  He should love music and the arts, enjoy simple pleasures, home cooked meals and entertaining.   In bed he should be a masterful and generous lover.  

I’m befuddled why I’m not being presented with a long list of candidates who fit that profile.   Surely there must be a lot of guys out there who qualify!  I just don’t get it! 

So tonight, a date.   I am not ready to date.   This person found me – I didn’t look for him as I have sworn off dating for a time.   But I didn’t say no, although perhaps I should have.   I already feel sorry for him and we haven’t even met yet.   He will meet me at the bar that I sing at on Fridays.   That is also how I met Patrick.   I will be pleasant to him, probably impress him with my singing, listen politely to his stories and then I will tell him, Thanks but no thanks."   So, why did I say yes?    I guess I’m hungry to move on, to be free of this pain, to get to the next phase of my life.   But Kaveh would say, “Sit with the pain a while longer.  Just as you can’t hurry love, you can’t hurry healing."    When the crying has stopped, when my mind has quieted, when everything I see or hear around me doesn’t remind me of Patrick, when I find myself going for a day without thinking of him, when my heart is at peace again, when I no longer have to write frenetically to ice the pain, when all these things happen, I will date again.

Tonight I will sing my heart out.   I've been sick with a deep cough that has battered my vocal chords, a cold that should have resolved itself by now.   I'm sure grief is not a good tonic for health.   My voice is as fragile as I am, but I will sing tonight, probably 6-7 songs.   I will be singing to an empty chair that was once inhabited by a very beautiful, large man who only had eyes for me.   Here are the songs I will sing:

There Will Never Be Another You

After You've Gone

The Man that Got Away

The Nearness of You (that was our song)

I've Never Been in Love Before (another song I used to sing privately to P.)

All of Me (his favorite - an upbeat but very sad song)

At Last

But dating?  Tonight is already a mistake.