Final Post

I'm reading The Elegance of the Hedgehog.  There is a super intelligent thirteen year old girl who ruminates on the meaning (or lack) of life:

Apparently, now and again adults take the time to sit down and contemplate what a disaster their life is.  They complain without understanding and, like flies constantly banging against the same old windowpane, they buzz around, suffer, waste away, get depressed then wonder how they got caught up in this spiral that is taking them where they don't want to go.  The most intelligent among them turn their malaise into a religion:  oh, the despicable vacuousness of bourgeois existence!  Cynics of this kind frequently dine at Papa's table:  "What has become of the dreams of our youth?" they ask, with a smug, disillusioned air.  "Those years are long gone, and life's a bitch."  I despise this false lucidity that comes with age.  The truth is that they are just like everyone else:  nothing more than kids without a clue about what has happened to them, acting big and tough when in fact all they want is to burst into tears......people aim for the stars, and they end up like goldfish in a bowl.   I wonder if it wouldn't be simpler just to teach children right from the start that life is absurd.  That might deprive you of a few good moments in your childhood but it would save you a considerable amount of time as an adult, not to mention the fact that you'd be spared at least one traumatic experience, i.e. the goldfish bowl.


She goes on to say,

With the exception of love, friendship and the beauty of Art, I don't see much else that can nurture human life......When I say Art...I'm not just talking about great works of art by great masters..I'm referring to the beauty that is there in the world, things that being part of the movement of life, elevate us.....Grace, beauty, harmony, intensity...


This morning, I walked on the lakefront, I had a meaningful conversation with a friend.  When I got home, Joey and I melted into each others' arms - all 45 pounds of fur and muscle jumped into my lap and he clung to me and I to him.   It's amazing really that we found each other and that we need each other so much.  He doesn't let me out of his sight for a moment.   He won't even walk down the back stairs to the yard to do his business if I'm not right at his side.  He has finally found someone to love and he's not letting go anytime soon. Sound familiar?   He and I will both be attachment disordered weirdos together.  After our snuggle session we sat on the deck, enjoying the quiet of the morning, the busy-ness of the squirrels, the happiness of the birds, and the industriousness of a spider who, right in front of my eyes, spun an exquisite web.   Grace, beauty, harmony, intensity.

I believe what Kaveh tells me - that life is a comedy and a tragedy - that it IS absurd in a good way.   I don't believe there is anything else...that there is a big payoff at the very end, or that we get to come back multiple times to get it right.   I think this is it.....the big performance, a single showing.   Life is NOT a dress rehearsal so we have to sing our hearts out and give the performance of our lives.   And it has to be good enough - damn the critics.

My friend Nick wants to feel pain...seriously.   He was in love once in his twenties to a woman who did not love him back.   He was tortured and sleepless, hunting her down every night, looking for her in every bar until he found her, then taking her home to her bed and watching her sleep, wishing she loved him.   Since then he has lived carefully...he has made safe choices....he hasn't put his heart in harm's way.   But no pain, no gain.  He now finds himself over sixty in a relationship that brings him little joy.   He is in danger of being a flat liner.  And so he recognizes the price he has paid for "safe".....and now he longs to feel something, anything, even the pain of love.

I am in excruciating pain.   I waited all my life to find someone I clicked with...I wasn't sure it would happen.   I've never met anyone who I liked half as much as Patrick and with whom I could imagine living happily ever after.   I'm not sure I will be blessed again with such a fortuitous accident - the divine accident of finding one's "other".   Maybe it will happen...maybe not.   And to open one's heart and to have it rejected is something that's difficult to recover from....it tests your will to survive..to recover intact has to be one of life's big accomplishments.  To be rejected is devaluing...it is humiliating...worse it can topple you - reduce you to rubble.

So, yes, life is absurd, but it is also incredibly beautiful and if we are lucky there are unexpected pleasures when we need them most, to offset the gut wrenching sadness (like the hug of a dog or the magical beauty of a spider web).   I am not in the fishbowl.   Are you?   Much of the time I conduct myself through the eyes and with the naivety of a child - life is technicolor for me and I like it that way.  The toddler in me clung to the belief that love could conquer Patrick's and my obstacles.   I counted on magical thinking to restore him to me - that, if I wished hard enough, Santa, the gods or Tinker Bell would bring him back.   But I'm not ALL child.  There is also a wise mother in me - she is the one who tells the scary truth and counsels me to settle down and face reality.  And I guess I'm glad she's there even if she's a drag to be around - even if I hate what she has to say most of the time.  She is so practical and should be heeded even if she doesn't  know how to wish on stars to get what she needs.  She tells me he has gone.

Don't worry.  I will be fine....my spirit is intact....I will continue to wish on stars....I will continue to marvel over beauty...I will keep making mammalian connections and seek the warmth of others.....I will continue to feel joy and sorrow...I will live fully and embrace the mysteries unfolding around me...I will sing my heart out....I will strive for grace, beauty, harmony and intensity.  And I will always love Patrick  until the day I die, even if someone else has taken up residence in my heart.

This is my last post...I may start another blog at some point with a different name that won't have such a personal focus.  Send me an e-mail if you would like the link.

Thanks for listening.   It was helpful.

Sarah

Jo(e)y and Sadness

Two posts today.

Joey is doing great.   He still has issues and bad habits, but with time they will be resolved – I’m confident of it.   One very sad thing - when he went to the vet, she called our attention to a scar on his back.   When his fur is pulled back a small heart shaped branding scar is revealed.   Seriously!  Someone branded my dog with a heart.   What kind of sadistic fuck would do that to a puppy?   It enrages me.  The rancher says it was probably a tennis ball branding iron that was used on him.  Wow.

And today I’m just feeling enraged about everything anyway.   The house.  Two unbelievably messy, spoiled adult girls living with me whom I’ve obviously raised poorly because they are over-the-top disgusting.   And Patrick’s words ring in my ears.   “You shouldn’t complain about your children – you are so lucky to have them, and they are doing so well in so many ways.”  Yeah, whatever.  Today, he can have them.   He’s got a house with six bedrooms.   They can move in with him and he can experience the joy of parenthood.  

He will be woken from a sound sleep by the sound of their arguing, or their beer drinking revelry on the porch with friends.  In the morning as they sleep until well after noon, he will discover presents left him in the kitchen he cleaned the night before:  food encrusted plates, dishes everywhere, take out containers all over, sticky spills and spoiled food that should have been put away.   He will clean up after them and remind himself just how precious they are.   On his way to the bathroom he will pick his way over dirty laundry inexplicably trailed down the hall and he will be repulsed to see underwear with dirty menstrual pads left in plain view.   He will try and attend to his morning hygiene but he won’t be able to find the toothpaste or any towels which have taken up new residence in their rooms.   The sink he washes up in will be crusted with spit toothpaste and pale green blobs of phlegm that have hardened.   If he braves their rooms to rescue a towel, he will see all the coffee cups and glasses he’s been missing, half filled with moldy liquids and plates with half eaten food in random places.   And don’t get me started on the bugs.

I used to be a robot tyrant.    I made rules and enforced them.   I had a clean bathroom because, if something was left on the counter, I threw it away, even if it was a brand new bottle of something expensive.   I waged war against my messy children.   Now I’m nicer and apparently a pushover.   Most days I just can’t muster a head of anger – I’m just not that angry a person anymore.   But now, I have no standards – I’ve given up.   I just sigh a lot.   And I get taken advantage of.   So today I’m thinking anger might have been the ticket after all.    Why did I think it was such a bad thing?   It got results.  

And really why now…..why such negativity?   I’ve been hell bent on being positive and forward moving – life affirming, joy embracing.   My mother used to wail, “There is no joy in this world!”   She said it often and loudly, screaming to the gods for an answer to her misery.   For a while she probably yelled it a dozen times a day until it got to be farcical.  She knew she was ridiculous and so it finally became a joke and a family catch phrase whenever anything went wrong.   I think we presented her with a container of liquid Joy dish detergent at one point, or perhaps she bought it for herself and made an altar to it, happy at last that she had "Joy" in her life.  Today, this week, this period of my life, I understand my mother’s rantings.   There is little joy in my life and without joy, life is a drudge, barely worth living.

It’s finally sinking in - something all of you have already known for a while.   I’m like the accident victim who doesn’t know they’ve been mortally wounded.   They have been shot in the head and they’re gushing blood but for some reason their body hasn’t gotten the death message yet.   Or maybe they have been impaled by a picket from a fence and the paramedics know that, once the picket is removed, death will be instantaneous.   But for a while, the body will continue to function around the picket.  The picket applies pressure to the organs it has penetrated, keeping hemorrhaging at bay.

What you know, that I have not admitted to myself before today, is that he left me – he is gone.   He really left me.  He didn’t choose me.   He came, he saw, he conquered, he didn’t want what he conquered, he left.  That simple.  I have been left.  Being left - for me it is my oldest and darkest fear and nightmare come true.  Thank God for therapy…..this is unbelievably hard.

Inertia

Inertia.  Being stuck.   It’s everywhere.   It’s everyone.   I hate it.  I’m feeling mired these days and it’s not just me.   People often ask me how it is that I get so much done, have such a long list of accomplishment and talents, fit so much into a day.   They ask me what it was that made me wake up and make such dramatic changes to my life.   I think the answer is that I have been able to shake off inertia all these years and that I possess a “just do it” attitude.    That’s why clients hire me – I execute.   I tell my employees they have to get from point A to B with no excuses -  negotiate around the obstacles, jump them, blast them, seduce them – whatever it takes to get the job done, short of doing something illegal.   Companies hire me because they want results…period…no excuses allowed.

So how can it be that these days I’m mired, flailing around, waking each day with a head of steam but going to bed like a pricked, deflated popover?    What changed and how can I un-change it?  This is SOOO not me.

I think it’s a perfect storm of paralysis.   First the loss of my main consulting gig with US Cellular – work I really enjoyed and for which I was handsomely paid.   Then Kaveh’s final move to Louisville and no face-to-face contact with him…a loss.  Madeleine moving back from Rockford added a deep layer of worry – I watch her flailing around trying to negotiate the rapids of adulthood – I feel helpless.   Elizabeth, being dependent and needing my continued financial support for at least two more years of college (I’ve already paid for four) – exhausting and I’m so eager to have my kids on their own without sucking at my breasts.   Steve refusing to move on with his life, expecting to be on my dole for the rest of his years.   Finding and losing love in the blink of an eye and the instability that has caused.   Taking over the finances only to learn what a disaster they are.   Having one thing after another break at home – the joys of home ownership.   Having friends who are painfully stuck too.   Losing a three year friendship with a man who has been very special to me.   Feeling the final loss of my mother as she moves back to the East Coast to live with my sister – having her tell me she feels “burned” by our relationship.   And more, more more.

Have you ever felt this paralyzed, turning this way and that – not seeing your way out of the box?    Even this blogging has become an escape.   I am in such pain that I am grasping at anything that can make me feel better.   Writing is Novocain.   Vodka is an escape.  Good books soothe me.  Sleeping releases me from worry.   Sitting with coffee when I should be working seduces me .   Talking to friends when I should be working distracts me.  

This is NOT rocket science.   To be paralyzed is to be fearful, self-indulgent and lazy.   There is really no excuse for it.   None of the things on the big list are really all that hard – it’s just that there are SOOOO many things on the list – it’s overwhelming to think of doing them all.  But really, it’s all about doing just one thing and crossing it out and then moving on to Item #2, and so forth.

It’s also the emotional strain of having people cling and grasp to you, like you’re a life preserver.  They are confused.   You’ve always taken care of them and they don’t believe you when you say, “no more”.   You have to mean “no more”.  They have to live with the consequences. 

So, it’s time for Sarah to project manage her own life like she would manage a project for a valued client.   These are the steps to which I will apply discipline (no excuses):

• Up at 5AM – walking at the beach or exercise from 6AM-7AM.
• At the office by 8:30AM
• Work, no play until noon and then an hour for fooling around (blogging, corresponding with friends)
• Morning spent on finances/administration/training Madeleine – giving her marching orders.  Afternoon spent on business development/client support.
• Workweek evenings spent in creative pursuits. 
• Friday/Saturday socializing
• Sunday – cleaning and organization

Inertia sucks.   I feel like I’m in that episode of Star Trek where the salt sucking monster has her tentacles on me and is sucking my precious nutrients.   I need a simpler life with fewer responsibilities.    I need to make that happen – NOW.

Soon I won’t write this blog anymore.   I’m thinking one more week is all I need.   It’s done the trick – given me a focus, helped me from dwelling solely in my head, given me something to think about other than Patrick.   But it’s also cheating.   I know he reads this and much of the time I write for him.    It’s also mean, in a way, not to fully release him.   He either needs to come back to me or move on.    And it’s also not fair to me that he has a conduit to me while I have no idea what is going on with him.   I feel the miss….I’m not sure he does as much, when he can read about me every day.    He should feel the miss to appreciate how much he has lost, what he’s walking away from.

And me……damn it – I have always prevailed.   I am a tank when I put my mind to it, bull-dozing over any obstacle.   Being in love has made me soft.   Having people cling to me in desperation has weighted me down.   Having SO much happen all at once has put me in the glare of the headlights.   I need to shake myself awake, test my legs, get my engines revved and then just GO!   Watch me.

Time for a New List/Do We Like the Rancher?

It's time for me to make a new list.   It's kind of addictive, this self improvement thing.   One positive change begets another and voila pretty soon you actually start to like yourself!   I'm proud of my accomplishments but now is not the time to start resting on my laurels.  So here goes!

• Lose the rest of my weight.  Slow and steady wins the race.   I know what I have to do.   Work the WW program, monitor my points.  Eschewing vodka will help - there are a bunch of calories there.  My goal is to be 45 pounds lower than I am by my birthday on May 3rd.   That is eminently doable.
• Younger Next Year - this is a great book that everyone should read.   It has been a huge source of inspiration for me.   The concept is that, with the right combination of lifestyle and attitude you can live your senior years with the health of a 50 year old and then just keel over dead at a good ripe age.  The average person lives a good long time, but wishes they were dead for the last decade or so because of poor health.   There is absolutely no reason for that to be.   You can give your body a springtime message and retain physical youthfulness well into your '80's.    So, do you want to be an analog watch and wind down painfully or would you rather be a digital watch and work perfectly until the day you just stop?    I am going to reread the book and incorporate the suggestions into my life.  It won't be easy to get a full, hard hour of cardio in every day, but it will be worth it.
• Divorce - just get it done....soon.   Put that relationship behind you.
• Business - figure out what your next incarnation looks like and make it happen.   I am a business chameleon.  I have successfully morphed my business through many different business climates in the past.   It's time to give my business that focus again and figure out how I can revitalize it and feel energized by it.   I'm good at what I do, but it's gotten so damn boring.   I need a new twist to feel excited.
• Finances.  I should be fine with the residual revenues I have coming in - even without a new revenue source, I make more than most people.   Problem is runaway expenses and the fact that I'm supporting too many people.    I need to keep applying effort to simplify my life and cut expenses.   Get the office sold - that's a hemmorage.   Run a tighter ship.  Be a better consumer.
• Make a 10 year plan.   What do I want my life to look like at age 65.   How can I get there?  Work a plan.
• Singing - it's time to take it to the next level.   I need to be bold and figure out how I can get paid for doing what I currently pay to do.    I'm good enough to have a Friday night gig somewhere and make $100-200.    I also need to organize my repertoire, learn more songs, and I need to work on my one woman show called "Necessary Losses".   It's a concept I've had for a while and has to do with the book Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst.   It's about how you can't move forward in life without leaving things behind - loss is necessary for growth. I also plan on tying in my own necessary loss of the weight - everyone loves a good weight loss story and because it's rare to have such a loss without drastic measures like surgery, it's a good story to tell.   And of course the show will be cabaret and the philosophies will be punctuated with fabulous songs I will sing.  
• New Challenges - because I don't have a TV, I miss out on a lot of popular references, so I'm not sure where this whole "bucket thing" came from (a movie, book or TV Show?)  But I've heard people talk about their bucket list and I think I understand it to be the list of things we want to do before we die.   I have a few:  I want to be in love in Paris, I want to learn to blow glass, I want to ride horses and look good in jodphurs and a tight hunter green blazer.  I want to feel the thrill of jumping over fences.   I would like to travel and make friends on every continent and then have them come visit me regularly.
• Writing.   It's time for me to write a book.   I will do NaNoWriMo this November.   Stands for National November Writing Month.   Participants commit to writing 50,000 words which is the equivalent of a short novel.    It takes will and dedication to crank that much out in a month.   I will do it and at the end, hopefully have the skeleton of a compelling book that I will try and publish.

That's a good list.   Now it's time for me to work it.  These are not just pipe dreams - I can make ALL of this happen!

And on another note, I know I said that I wouldn't date yet and I'm not, but the Internet dating thing is a fun distraction, especially when you're lonely.   I have the app on my phone so it's fun to see who is interesting and interested in me.   It's like shopping for good books on Amazon - guy shopping.   So there is a rancher I'm communicating with and he is so funny and unexpected.   And can you imagine me moving to live on a cattle ranch in Nebraska?   Strangely, I can for the right guy.   Here are the questions he asked me today.   We are still just e-mailing me:

How many fish can you clean in a half hour? Do you sharpen your own filet knife? Have you ever been ice fishing? Do you bait your own hook? Can you swim; or at the very least float? How long can you hold your breath? How many Hula-Hoops and Jingle Jumps do you own? Did you prefer Hop-Scotch or Jump Rope as a young girl? Did your Barbie Doll ever date "G.I. Joe - A Fighting Man from Head to Toe?" or did she hang out with that "preppy fuck" Ken? Is your favorite base color for fine china red or blue? When is the last time you used it? What's your favorite brand of silver polish? Do you like antiques? Do you like folk art? Have you ever been fossil hunting? Have you ever dated a fossil? Which city would you prefer to spend a day in; Paris, Tokyo, or Amsterdam? When is the last time you received a post card from a friend? Have you ever stayed overnight in a B&B? Front or back seat on a bicycle built for two? Which show did you like best; "I've Got a Secret" or "To Tell the Truth?" Which TV show could you win more money on; "Wheel of Fortune" or "Jeopardy?" Tan or Burn? Do you like help applying sun tan lotion? Do you ever tan in the buff? Who's funnier; you or your girlfriends? How many comedy clubs did you visit last year? Were you in the audience or on stage? How well do you sing? Can you play a musical instrument? Do you know any magic tricks? Are you able to juggle more than 3 balls at a time? Do you wear shorts? How high is your tallest pair of heels? Do you like to hold hands? When's the last time you made a snow angel? Would you prefer to cuddle or French kiss, or both? On your place, do you have legacy flowers; Iris, Daisies, Mums, Hollyhocks, Peonies, Lilacs or Wild Roses? Do you have chickens where you live? What is the color of your favorite tractor? Do you think you have a chance at baking a better peach pie than me? When's the last time you played Backgammon? Checkers or Chinese Checkers? What's your favorite card game? Have you ever played Strip Poker? Did you win or loose? Do you like convertibles? Are you in possession of a secret family recipe for moonshine you would be willing to share? When you go to the dump to shoot rats, do you use a revolver or a pistol; or do you say the hell with it and shotgun them instead? How many skunks, raccoons, possums, and coyotes have you shot at in the last three years? How many did you hit? Do you have any shooting irons that you are able to put a 5" group together at 100 yards? Have you ever panned for gold and do you have any gold claims staked out in West Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, California or Nevada? When is the last time you played a round of golf? What was you score? What is your handicap? Can you Cha-Cha, Sumba, Tango or Line Dance? How many large grapes can you peel in 20 minutes? What's your favorite color for intimate apparel? Where do you shop for intimate apparel; K-Mart, Fredricks's of Hollywood or Victoria's Secret? Shaken or Stirred? Milk or Dark Chocolate? Do you use the word "hot dish" or "casserole?" Which would you rather play; "Cast-A-Way Sailor and the South Sea Island Princess" or "Research Scientist and Faithful Lab Assistant?" Do you like fudge? What color are your eyes and hair? Are you right or left handed? Here's the punch line; "Why do you ask two dogs having sex?" can you tell me the joke? Do you take points off for spelling errors and grammatical structure? Are you up with the birds or night owl? Granny panties, French cut, Bikini, Thong or Commando? Now it really gets personal - - - - Are you ready? Are you a democrat, republican, independent, libertarian or a free thinker when it comes to politics, and do you have over or under three tattoos and where are they located?
Are you smiling or getting ready to move the cursor to the "Close Match" Button? 


Do we like him?

Love you all,
Sarah