Blogging vs. Anti-depressants?

Liza says I should go on anti-depressants, take Chinese herbs or go to her accupuncturist - she says this hurt has gone too deep - she is worried that I won't be able to pull myself back to life.   I said, "Let's give it a week.   I will write a blog.  I will write my ass off with the the thought that by getting these feelings out of my gut and onto the page, I can find some measure of relief - like vomitting."

And I will give Patrick the link to this blog.   He can choose whether or not to follow my progress.   I will imagine that he will stay connected in this way, checking in on me from time to time, with still tender and loving feelings for me.   I don't want to be cruel to him by making it all about my loss.   He is suffering too, holed up in his man cave, waiting for the heartache to subside so that he can venture out into the world again and a new relationship.   If I were stronger I could do this 100% break and not need to feel connected to him.    We would be totally decoupled and eventually whole again.  But I am not strong - me, Sarah "the hero" - that is what he calls me because I have lived my life cholerically, forging pathways, never looking back, results oriented, strong and optimistic, taking care of everything and everyone.   I am no longer strong.

So this is new - this falling apart thing.   To be broken hearted is to be broken - shattered.  This blog will witness my recovery.   It will chronicle the baby steps I will take to get back.   I suspect this won't be easy, getting over him.   Everything I do, I do passionately and completely.   I fell in love so deeply that I now find myself at the very bottom of the ocean, unsure which way leads back to the surface, holding my breath, not sure that I will ever see the sun again.   I could perish here, sitting at the bottom with bubbles escaping from my lips.  Today, a baby step.   I will sit quietly and watch the bubbles and note which way they travel - that is up.  Once I determine "up", I will make my next move.

Everything hinges on me being able to recover from this.    If I don't fully recover, I will never love romantically again, I will be one of the perpetually disappointed who just go through the motions of living, and I will stand no chance of a reconciliation with Patrick.  I will fade away.

So how did it happen that my child is smarter and wiser than me?   Elizabeth.   I told her I told Patrick that if he came back to me, he had to be 100% certain that it would be forever, because I could never withstand this pain again.   He agreed.   She said, "Seriously?   If he came back to you, you would marry him, just like that?    That's not right.   You only knew him for two months.   You and he never got through the honeymoon stage.   You don't know him well enough to jump to that kind of commitment."    That's when I realized she was right.    My reaction and request were unrealistic and imprudent.   It was bizarre of me to tell him to come back on bended knee or not at all.    I guess the pain of losing him was/is so great that I couldn't imagine risking my heart to him again with potentially the same outcome.   He is my first love and I have no confidence that one can actually recover from something like this, never mind do it again.   But normal people fall in love, break up, fall in love again, break up, over and over and they DO go on to love again - they DO recover.   They KNOW they can withstand the pain if the risk is worth it.    So a normal person would have said, "Don't come back to me unless you really want to try to make it work.   Don't come back just because you're lonely, or miss me.   Come back to me if you think it could work, if your head is in a different place and you think we might be able to get it right this time."   And then we would give it a shot, pick up where we left off, and get to know each other better before making such a monumental decision to be life partners.  And it might not work, in which case we would break up again...and I would survive because that is what people do. 

For there to be even the possibility of a reconciliation, we both have work to do that could (ironically) spoil any possibility of a future relationship - the work that could bring us back to each other is also the same work that is more likely to estrange us permanently.   That is the risk, but it's the only path.  My work is to acquire the skill of breaking up and reclaiming myself.   If I can't do this - if I can't heal my heart, then my original statement was correct - "I will not be able to withstand this again".   And if I can't heal my heart, then I will never love again because I will be stuck in time, my heart life will have ended on June 15, 2011.    But if I can survive this once, I can survive it again, and again, each time recovering with less heartache.  And if I know I can be OK without him, then I can risk a second chance with Patrick, knowing there are no guarantees in love.

His work is reclaiming his heart and getting back out there, looking for his heart's desire.    He needs to give his dream its due and find someone who will love him as much as I do but also give him the things he needs that I can't.   He owes it to himself to try and find this.   If he doesn't take this path he will always be restless.   The selfless part of me hopes, upon hope that his every wish comes true, just as he envisions.   But, in equal measure, I also hope for a miracle in my favor - for him to search and not find someone who touches him the way I do - eventually making his way back to me with peace in his heart  - that, in me, he found his holy grail, his soulmate - he just wasn't sure the first time.

So, Sarah....work to do.    Keep writing everything in your heart but don't put Patrick on a pedestal.   Remind yourself every day that while he is wonderful, there are other wonderful people out there.   Get your affairs in order, let the separation take root, attend to family and friends, spend time with your new dog and make him a great companion.    Don't date yet....that is a disaster while your heart is still so committed.    Just heal.